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Don't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard.

1,052 Following   417,102 Followers   6,527 Tweets

Join Twitter 3/25/08

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"Whiplash" is astounding. Believe the hype. My heart was still pounding 10 minutes after the credits rolled.
I just saw a real estate listing that boasted a "green-water pool!" like it was an amenity. Kind of a brilliant tactic, actually.@SarahSoWitty When it says "p.g.a." after your name, does it stand for "Puma Gettin' Accolades"?@jpatrickrigney It looked like a block of ramen, am I right?!
Let's not forget: white kids did pretty much exactly this at Woodstock '99 because an Aquafina cost $6 and Fred Durst got them all het up.
Retweeted by Diablo CodyI have rotisserie chicken trapped in my bottom front teeth. What a legacy for this poor chicken. Stuck in some dumbass's cum garage.Does anyone else feel like they've run out of Internet?
@LouisPeitzman I just told Dan that was my favorite part!@scottEweinberg It just happened!@LouisPeitzman It was perfection from beginning to end.@mollylambert Ha, I just tweeted basically the same thing. Incredible.Tonight's episode of "The Comeback" deserves an Emmy.
@JoshBLevesque I'm in the orange monster in my profile pic w/ a Crunchwrap Supreme.@JoshBLevesque Yup!(SERIOUS FYI: I rarely check DMs because of weird anxiety disorder. If you need to reach me fast, I am at WME and often, NoHo Taco Bell. xo)@tobyherman27 SHAMPOO IS BETTER@MIKESNEDEGAR @dmaurio Love you! xoxo@dmaurio I'm sending my assistant@comediansandro Thank you! "Ricki and the Flash" this summer.One fun thing I do is write "Billy Madison" on my Academy ballot every year.@lianamaeby I know! More like 8 a week AT BEST.THIS CALLS FOR AN 11:45 AM CELEBRATION! RT @Esquiremag Most heavy drinkers aren't actually alcoholics, apparently: http://t.co/OzR0m9VyDl
@Katbeast Boo, fuck him.Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. The Graduate. Silkwood. Working Girl. Mike Nichols specialized in female characters to worship forever.
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@bjcolangelo I'm just a few episodes in and getting caught up. It goes fast. Very entertaining."Genie in a Bottle" is the best hit pop song about withholding sex from a guy and making him finger-blast you while you apply lip gloss.
Does anyone want 2 German shepherds with diarrhea?.@NewYorker My son just rhymed "Kristoff" with "pissed off"; are you taking poetry submissions?@nbfarker You're right; it could be worse."carbs in mucinex" is officially my saddest Google search ever.
@minhalbaig @edgarwright He gets bonus cute points for being English.@edgarwright omg@JohnRossBowie It's ableist, if anything.Billy Joel is talking about Taylor Swift in the news today and @billyeichner & @julieklausner have a TV show. When do I wake up w/ wet PJs?@lizmeriwether I am quickly catching up on Serial now that I know what to do with my body (look at furniture). I will text you soon.@tobyherman27 LIKEWISE, KITTEN. That is the sweetest thing ever and I will carry it close to my bosom all day. xoxo@billyeichner YES!!! Thank you @hulu!@julieklausner OMG!!!! This is my new favorite show!@taradublinrocks She's pretty magical!@tobyherman27 She was pretty much like "I know you didn't mean to grab my VMA because you're just a silly diaper-baby!"@tobyherman27 Literally listening to that right now.@tobyherman27 I know you're a Swiftie! Girl was mocking Kanye so hard!I know we've all moved on to parsing "1989," but "Innocent" is still the BIGGEST shade ever thrown by Taylor. Truly masterful.@JenKirkman My brother once pretended to be an imprisoned spousal abuser on a dating site, just to see if he'd get replies. Tons of women.@sarahcolonna Best of luck-- it'll be over soon! Love from us. xoHow is that stupid boner Charles Manson still alive and some of our best & coolest people are dead?YES. Strippers are robbed by most clubs; people have no idea. MT @AmandaMarcotte http://t.co/Bgx8HuLX4n … Big win for strippers
@RyanHoulihan Get fried pickes & ride the wave.OK, I figured out I can listen to the murder podcast if I sit and look at photos of furniture! It's good!
@JenKirkman "Chasing" kids, too. Where are they going? Get a fucking fence.When they ask celebs how they age so well, it's always "I drink lots of water!" and never a helpful/specific reply like "I vape deer scat."
@Busyphilipps25 @kellyoxford You guys... Doesn't it hurt?!
If you want to thank someone, wait til they're walking out of the room and then say "Hey" and then when they turn around, say "Thank you".
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@jeffytee Our first computer had no hard drive. We'd just pop disks in and out as we went along. Still figured out how 2 view adult content.@LoreneScafaria are you talking about @SarahSoWittyIn her Reddit AMA yesterday, @Alyssa_Milano confirmed what I have always believed: Mona was, in fact, the boss.Holy shit, I think I stopped liking things when I started making things. I'M SICK OF CRACKERS BC I WORK @ CRACKER FACTORY!!! #breakthrough@LaurenSchacher @CWSPodcast Will do!@maxwyeth Thank you, Max.@MarioMurgueitio you're nice!@_V_M_G_ That is so sweet, thank you.@crazy4having3 I would have listened to every episode!To the nice folks who are tweeting that they want ME to do a podcast: U really want an hour of me talking about Cockroach vs. Jazzy Jeff?If the murder podcast came out 20 years ago and was narrated by Fred "Rerun" Berry, I would be all over that shit.@bart_smith I tried to listen to it while writing and both activities suffered.If one of you could draw some pictures illustrating the murder podcast and cut images together w/ the audio, I could probably get into it?@bart_smith @serial That sounds nice!@LouisPeitzman YES!!!@kdn13 Got it!I only drive short distances. And I don't clean. When I write, it's all Doobie Brothers, all the time. Not sure what to do re: podcast?Like, I want to care about the murderer podcast but I can't figure out what you guys do with your bodies while you listen to podcasts.I stopped caring about new pop-cultural phenomena around 2007 and now I have no idea what any of you are talking about ever.
@tobyherman27 This slogan is going to look great tattooed in Papyrus font on my sloppy old back!@tobyherman27 YESThe older I get, the trashier I become. :)
Got tix to see some guy named "LA Phil" at the Hollywood Bowl. Hope he can shred.
@LauraBenanti I'd like to have the "now" perspective, the "then" butt, and the "50 years from now" license to say whatever the fuck I want.@JennyJohnsonHi5 Marcello said "They really fucked this up" when we got the wrong order at Burger King the other day. Close?
When I don't wear makeup, I look exactly like Paul Dano in a wig from a sex shop.@MysteryVP 'Bout to.I love when celebs talk about clean living and toxins and their faces are full of Sculpy.@MysteryExec "Those lunch meetings with the toy company are going to be epic."Kelis was talking about shaking her boobs, right? Still unclear on this.
Remember that Backstreet Boys video where they were hot Halloween monsters and you couldn't stop masturbating and it was college?@Lysdexicia You're nice!Thank God a woman is acting "bubbly" and happy again! http://t.co/IMeDWKU9zr
There is something wrong with my iPhone camera that makes me look kind of busted and maybe like an alcoholic.@julieklausner This is exactly what I wanted to say to @MonicaLewinsky, but you put it way better than I could have.
@the_hoyk I'm from Chicago! 😉Help, I still don't know if I'm Dharma or Greg
@jeffytee what is team@tobyherman27 dan and I are literally doubled over in laughter at this response@tobyherman27 did you see the show where billy hufsey was like "Daddy's back!" Please say yesJOIN ME IN APARTMENT #228... IT'S EVEN COOLER THAN 227 AND MARY ISN'T RUINING SHIT@SarahSoWitty @JackeeHarry #228 #NextLevel@LucindaLunacy ilyThere is NOTHING that saddens more than a loud female with a quiet ponytail.
Retweeted by Diablo Cody@louisvirtel OH MARRRRRRY #228 #NEXTLEVEL@louisvirtel HI@tobyherman27 💯
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